How to eat (and not eat) Korean Ribs

Tuesday 9/17/2019 1:40 pm -- If you are not Korean, please enjoy this tutorial on the proper way to eat galbi/kalbi/Korean ribs (please just don't call it Mongolian <anything>). There are 4 basic rules (elaborated below): don't leave meat on the bone, eat with your hands, no excessive finger-licking, and for God's sakes, conserve paper towels.

1. For God's sakes, don't leave any gristle or meat on the bone

Doing this is a complete slap in the face to many many Korean people. It is seriously not cool. I don't think anyone would say anything if you did this - but you'll forever be remembered as the idiot who doesn't deserve a full portion. And going forward, whenever it's time for the grownups to divvy up the galbi, you will be served dead last, after the children.

2. Don't use a fork and knife

It's OK to slice the rib into sections, but using a fork and knife - especially if you hold the fork in your left hand - looks wrong. On my personal scale of etiquette, this is not a big deal. Some people, however, may make big inferences about you if you do this in their presence - like... you must live in a f***ing chalet and fly around in a golden helicopter. So be warned.

3. Don't excessively lick your fingers

It's amateurish. A certain amount is totally acceptable, and unavoidable. Just pace yourself. Plan ahead. Think about what you will need to grab within the next 2-3 minutes of eating a rib. Knowing when to lick your fingers is an art form. And it cuts down on paper towel usage.

4. Don't use a lot of paper towels

What is 100 x worse than creepy finger-licking is an excessive use of paper towels. It smacks of privilege and a soft upbringing. To some Korean OG's - especially the ones who lived through the war - any human being who does not reuse a paper towel to the maximum extent allowed by the laws of physics, likely cannot be counted on to do the right thing in matters of life-or-death. They will write you off as a dips*it who is prancing around in a consequence-free bubble of your parents' making.